The Best Medicine
by PFCDontKnow
Summary: Waking up in the Naruto-verse is not what I expected to happen when I got a bridge dropped on me. Someone up there has to have a really bad sense of humor. Though mine's probably not much better, I can kinda see why this would be funny... (Here There Be A Few Curse Words, Ye Have Been Warned)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, all! PFCDontKnow here, wishing you all a [insert appropriate seasonal greeting here]!**

**Is it too late to jump on the SI bandwagon? I hope not...**

**FIRST AND ONLY DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto. Nor do I own the character of Nara Natsumi-sama. They belong to their prospective creators, Masashi Kishimoto and Vixen Tail respectively, and Nara-sama is used with Vixen Tail's permission.**

**Also, there's like four or five f-bombs in here. Apologies in advance if that bothers you.**

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><p>My first memories are of being crushed by a bridge. It was during a marathon. I was part of a group manning Mile Marker 22, which passed right underneath a bridge. I remember a loud <em>bang<em>, the creaking sound of stressed metal right before it snapped, and I looked up to see the bridge falling towards me…

And then burning, crushing pain, all along my left side. I couldn't move it. I couldn't feel it, beyond how much it _hurt_. And I could hear people crying, screaming….but I couldn't. Everything went black, and I could feel myself slipping away even as I tried to take a breath…

The crushing weight vanished, but the fire didn't stop. It just _spread_. I could feel the flames racing throughout my body, and I _screamed_. I felt the fire change inside me, becoming sharper, burrowing its way through my veins, setting all my nerves alight like I'd been shocked. I heard someone speaking, but I couldn't understand them, with their voice half-drowned by the rush of the shock through my system, and my own screams. A hand was slammed over my mouth, and I reflexively bit down, tasting dirt and iron. The hand was removed very quickly.

I tried to get up, but _I couldn't move_. I tried to open my eyes, but _I couldn't see_. And the lightning just kept _burning_ in my veins and I just kept screaming. There was more indecipherable talking before I felt something cool start to flow through me, and I blacked out.

When I came to, I could still feel the "lightning" coursing through my body, though it felt…softer, somehow. I almost wished it would hurt more, because I could suddenly feel the sheer _energy_ saturating the air, the ground, the trees around me, circulating through the four men and women around me, through the fifth man carrying me over his shoulder like a sack. There was just so much of it, filling the air, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I was lost, I was confused, I was tired, and I hurt. I panicked. I struggled, causing whoever was carrying me – he felt like a giant – to curse as he scrambled to keep a hold of me. I kicked, I strained against the binds on my arms, I screamed as best I could through the gag. There were some words I couldn't hear, but the voice sounded frustrated, before a cry of surprise followed by a _surge_ of that energy that stunned me as the energies of two – no, three – of the people around me started to dim. The big man carrying me cursed, and tightened his grip on me before he suddenly cried out in pain and dropped me. I tried to see what was going on, but the fabric covering my eyes blinded me too well.

There were clashes like metal striking metal, and cries, and those _spikes_ of that _energy_, and I just couldn't take it. I didn't know what was going on, I couldn't see, I _could_ hear what was going on, all too well, and the _smell_. Oh, god, the _smell_. Sweat and blood and _fire_ and _smoke_ and…and… I started to cry.

I just couldn't take it anymore. What had happened to me? I thought I was supposed to be dead. I had been _crushed_ by a _bridge_. People don't just _survive_ being crushed in half by several hundred pounds of metal and concrete. I just felt so _small_ and _weak_ and _out of place._ I just wanted to know what was going on.

I jumped when I felt someone pull me into a sitting position and – to my everlasting embarrassment – started to cry harder. I didn't know who they were, I didn't know what they wanted, I just wanted to go home. I felt _vulnerable_. And then the person gently pulled the blindfold off and smiled at me. The person was a lady who wore a red hoodie that had black sleeves and a black hood that was red on the inside. She had long, black hair and black eyes, and was bigger than me. God, was everyone a giant here?

"Hey," she said softly, "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

Her meaning took a minute to process. I understood her fine, I knew what she was saying, but…that hadn't been English. I was almost certain of it. It took me another couple of seconds before I calmed down enough to really think about it. But as I looked back up at her to answer, light glinted off the metal plate attached to the cloth band tied across her forehead.

A metal plate with a symbol carved in the center of a leaf, with a little spiral in the middle.

And then it all clicked. The energy – the way it burned through my body, was circulating through the others, how it saturated _everything_ around us – was chakra. Those spikes, the surges, were people _using_ chakra. Which meant those people were ninjas. Ninjas as in Naruto-ninjas. As in Naruto the anime/manga.

Which meant…I was _in_ Naruto.

I started hyperventilating, and I think I started to cry again. The lady started to look worried.

"What's going on?" Another ninja behind the one in front of me spoke up. I made the mistake of making eye contact with him, and freaked out even more when I saw the red irises and spinning black tomoe.

_Sharingan. That's the Sharingan._

My breath hitched and I started to shake uncontrollably. Those eyes were powerful, even in their most basic form. I almost threw myself to the ground trying to move away from him, but the lady caught me before I could fall.

The Uchiha – he couldn't have been anyone else – looked confused, and a little hurt, at my obvious fear of him. The lady gave him an apologetic smile before standing up with me in her arms.

I think the lady spoke, but I didn't catch the ninjas' conversation. I was too busy having a nervous breakdown.

_This is insane. I should be dead. There's…I should be dead! How am I not dead?! How am I alive? How am I _here_?!_

I guess I'd started crying into the kunoichi's hoodie, because she was petting my hair. It…felt kinda nice. I fell asleep like that, with the wind blowing in my face as she _raced through the fucking treetops_, which was awesome. I still fell asleep, though.

Apparently, the universe decided it wasn't done screwing with me yet. Looping, nightmarish, bloody images of Orochimaru, Kabuto, Danzō, Pein, Madara, Kaguya; I saw an underground lab from the inside of a tube, _watching_ as I was _cut open_ on an operating table as golden, snake-like eyes stared down at me, and at that point I couldn't take it anymore. I _had _to wake up. _Not real not real not real out get out get out get out GET OUT!_

I woke up screaming bloody murder in the face of an older man with long, blond hair and blue-green eyes. He jerked back, face betraying none of his emotions, as I curled in on myself on the infirmary bed I was apparently in, grasping tightly to something that gave me a sense of comfort and safety.

We weren't alone in the hospital room. Aside from the blond adult I tentatively identified as the Yamanaka Clan head, an old man in red and white robes stood smoking a pipe near the door, next to a short woman with a thin face and mismatched eyes of pale blue and green. Behind the both of them stood another guy about as old as the blond with dark hair pulled back, looking kinda like a pineapple, and a scarred face with a look of utter boredom on it.

"Well, Inoichi?"

_Ha, called it._ While he turned and spoke to the other ninja, I looked around for the others I could feel on the very edge of my senses, finding nothing but a couple rapidly suppressed signatures. I couldn't help a tiny smile before looking back at the ninja I _could_ see. Inoichi was smiling as he stepped back up to the bedside. Subconsciously, I backed away, pulling the comforting thing tighter around me.

"Hi, there," he started, "My name is Yamanaka Inoichi."

There was a pause as I realized he was expecting some kind of response. Tentatively, I poked my hand above the warm fabric and waved. Wait…if everyone was so big…and this was Ino's dad…then…

God damn it, what is this, a fanfiction? Am I a kid again?

"Hey," Inoichi spoke up, his tone just barely suggesting he was repeating himself, "Can you tell me your name?"

_Yes, but I doubt 'Dante Markovic' is the answer you're expecting_. I shook my head before burying my lower face in the…hoodie. The thing I was wrapped up in was a red-and-black hoodie that looked suspiciously familiar.

The old man chuckled. "Yes, I can easily see the resemblance," he said to the short woman next to him, who smirked. My mind started to work again as I looked. If Blondie was Yamanaka Inoichi, then Pineapple Hair was Nara Shikaku, and the old man was Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Sandaime Hokage. But then who was the woman with the mismatched eyes? I didn't remember her…

As Inoichi took a breath to ask me another question the door to my room opened, and in walked the kunoichi that found me. I buried my face in "my" hoodie even deeper when I saw her wearing another one. She smiled very briefly before her eyes caught the figure of the Hokage.

"Hokage-sama!" She bowed quickly. "Gomenasai, I-I wasn't expecting…I just heard that the boy was awake and-"

"-And you wanted to see if he was alright," the Hokage finished with a grandfatherly smile. I was betting he knew she was coming even before she'd gotten past the front desk and let her in. Sneaky old man.

The lady blushed, just a little. "Hai, Hokage-sama. Do…do you know if he has any family in the village?" She seemed really nervous.

The Hokage nodded. "We do, actually. Inoichi was just about to ask our guest if he wanted to meet them."

I had a _family_ here? God damn, this just kept getting better and better…I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I realized I'd spaced out again when I caught the stares of the five ninjas visibly in the room. I nodded, burying my face in the hoodie one more time, which got a couple of smiles.

"Sparrow!" the lady with complete heterochromia called out. A…well, an ANBU in a bird mask that looked kinda like a sparrow if you tilted your head and squinted seemingly materialized in front of her and the Hokage. "Find Hound," she ordered, "Tell him to change out of his ANBU gear first, if he's in it."

"Hai, Panther-sama." Sparrow disappeared.

Wait…Short lady…thin face…pale blue and green eyes…"Panther-sama"…Oh, _fuck_. I finally had a name to go with the face. Nara Natsumi, ANBU General, master assassin, fuin- and kenjutsu master, and wife of the Nara clan head. And protagonist of the Naruto fanfic _Déjà vu no Jutsu_. _What the utter fuck was going on_?

My thought process was apparently evident on my face, because Inoichi just reached over and ruffled my hair with a grin. I scooted away rather quickly at the unwanted physical contact.

It wasn't too long before a ninja appeared next to the Nara's lady. He had spiky silver hair, and a face largely hidden underneath a deep blue half-mask, and a ninja headband canted over one eye.

"Yo, Nee-chan. Why are we meeting here?"

The black-haired kunoichi looked as confused as I felt, especially since everyone else didn't look confused at his presence. This was _the _Hatake Kakashi for crying out loud! A teenaged Kakashi, but still. What was he doing here?

My mind finished piecing the puzzle together right as Natsumi-sama grinned like a Cheshire cat. If she had told Sparrow to go get Hound after I agreed to meet my relatives in the village, then Hound was one of the relatives. And…Kakashi had a dog-looking mask when he was in ANBU, hadn't he?

"Kashi-chan," Natsumi said by way of greeting. This must've been incredibly amusing for her. "Say 'hi' to your otouto."

The hoodie slipped off of my face as I gaped at the Nara clan's lady, while the only sign Kakashi gave of his surprise was his left eye widening. Wait…what?

_Welp…fuck…_

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><p><strong>I hope I didn't do too badly, and expect to see a lot more references to things I enjoy, potentially including cameos from other SIs that have inspired me to write this! There's too many to list...<strong>

**Reviews please the Book God!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry. I meant to post this on New Years, but then Dwarfs happened...**

**See Chapter One for Disclaimer.**

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><p>I stared at the person in the mirror from my precarious position atop the edge of the sink. A pale-faced little kid with shoulder-length silver hair stared back at me with amber eyes from the depths of a ridiculously oversized (for an almost-five-year-old) red-and-black hoodie. I blinked, and the reflection did too. I closed one eye, then the other. I scrunched my nose up, I stuck my tongue out. I grinned, and got a fanged one back.<p>

This wasn't my face. I think it was that fact that was the final nail in the coffin for me. If this was a dream, I would've looked…well, like me. The Before-me, not…me. Buzz-cut black hair and brown eyes. And about sixteen years older.

"That's a mirror, Kohaku-chan."

I jumped at the voice, falling off the sink and landing on the bathroom floor with a not-so-graceful thump. Goddamn ninjas. And ow.

Freaking _Nara Natsumi_ – I was having a hard time getting over that – smirked at me from the doorway. "You're fine." She brushed off my glare with a wave of her hand. "It's your own fault for climbing up there."

With all the maturity of my chronological age and previous occupation as a US Marine, I stuck my tongue out at her in response.

"Very mature." See? She even agreed with me. "Now, c'mon, it's time to eat."

Dinner was…weird. Just…everything about it was weird on several levels. The food was weird, the table was weird, and the conversation was nonexistent. The tension was so thick, I could cut it with the chopsticks I was struggling to wield. Goddamn nonexistent four-year-old motor control. I would've just started stabbing things on the end like a shish-kebab if Natsumi hadn't already given me The Look™ for playing with my food. Kakashi-nii wouldn't look at me, and Natsumi was apparently going to let _us_ work this out.

Whatever "this" was. I just wanted to be left alone to sort out the remains of my shattered sanity, I was perfectly content with being ignored. As I was finishing, Kakashi-nii decided to speak up.

"Nee-chan, I'm not-" She cut him off with a hand sign, and then made a couple more subtle hand movements I didn't catch. From the way Kakashi-nii's visible eye flickered to me for the briefest of moments, whatever silent conversation they were having was about me. It was at this point my body apparently decided I was done for the day, because I started having a hard time keeping my eyes open. About the third time my head almost hit the table, Kakashi-nii sighed and – probably at Natsumi's prodding – picked me up. I was out like a light before he even put me down.

And then the dreams came. _Blood and fire and smoke and dust and crying and PAIN but all in a tube and watching Papa cry as Mama gets handed a flag but I'm still here! but they can't hear me and then I'm out of the tube and on a table and I'm being cut open and there's dark laughter and dark words and all I can see is blood and snakes and Roots…_

I bolted. _Have to get away have to get away have to get out have to get out escape not real not real GET OUT!_

The streets were blessedly empty as I hurtled down them uncaringly. I just needed to get away from the _blood_ and the _cries_ and the _sick laughter_ and the _thrum_ of _something_ in the air that was drowning me on dry land.

My body eventually gave out as I stumbled through trees, collapsing against one of them and tightening into a ball. I felt my eyes burning as tears started to well up. _I am not going to cry! I am NOT going to cry! _It took a huge amount of effort, and I almost didn't succeed.

As I got my breathing back under control, I finally got a good look at my surroundings…and realized I was totally lost. _Chyort voz'mi. _Brushing myself off, I winced when I looked down and saw I was barefoot. I was going to be feeling that later.

I took a deep breath and started to walk. I didn't know which way I'd come from, so I just headed in a direction that felt _right_. There was this kind of really low buzz I could…feel, I guess, and part of it in the direction I was going felt _familiar_ when I focused on it, so that's what I headed towards. The trees started to thin as the…signal got stronger, and I figured out where I was.

A somewhat-kunai-shaped monument was centered in a clearing, with three stumps lined up in the distance behind it. Kakashi-nii stood in front of the monument with his hands in his pockets, his eyes downcast. That explained the familiar buzz I was getting. If I really focused hard, I could feel it coming from him sharply.

I started to walk over towards him, the short grass of the training ground cold against the soles of my feet. I'm sure he noticed my approach, he didn't react at all when I stood next to him, chewing on the end of my sleeve, just reached down and ruffled my hair. I don't know how long we stood there, but when the area started to get lighter, Kakashi-nii sighed.

"I guess I should introduce you, huh?" his tone held just a bit of sadness to it. "Obito, this is my otouto, Kohaku." I looked up at Kakashi-nii with sadness. I wanted to tell him what I knew, I really did. But I couldn't. Part of it was because I didn't know the words – my knowledge of Japanese only really extended as far as "hai", meaning yes, and "dattebayo", which doesn't actually mean jack shit – but also because I was afraid.

Afraid he wouldn't believe me, afraid he _would_ believe me, afraid he'd find out the truth about me…

_Afraid I would be left alone again_. The realization caught me by surprise. Family has always been important to me, to know that I had one here – however small it was – made it…real, I suppose. Gave me something to anchor myself to. To think I could lose it, by saying the wrong thing…_terrified_ me. So I said nothing, just stood next to my nii-san, nibbling on the end of the hoodie's sleeve. _I should probably stop doing that._

After a while, Kakashi picked me up, told "Obito" he'd see him later, and then shunshined away. Which was _awesome_. I probably had the goofiest grin on my face when we landed in front of the jōnin apartments. Kakashi-nii chuckled at my expression as the door next to his opened and another ninja stepped out in the standard jōnin attire, with his headband tied backwards on his head like a bandana, and – was that a senbon sticking out of his mouth?

"Hey, Kakashi. Who's this?" He asked with a small smile directed at me.

"Genma," Kakashi-nii nodded in greeting. "Say 'Ohayou', Kohaku."

I just waved. I didn't really feel like talking.

"Cute. This your-"

I stopped listening. The name Kohaku was given to me by the black-haired kunoichi I _still_ didn't know the name of, because when she brought me to the hospital, she needed a name to put on the paperwork. 'Kohaku' means 'amber' the way it's spelled on paper, I learned, so my eyes might've been why she might have latched onto that name. At least, that was my theory.

The two ninja were apparently done chatting because Genma's hand reached out to ruffle my hair, which I was quick to bat away, bringing me out of my thoughts. He just chuckled.

"Alright, see you later Kakashi. You be a good imouto, okay, Kohaku-chan?" I waved again as he shunshined away.

Wait…didn't imouto mean 'little sister'? I turned to glare at Kakashi-nii. Why the hell did Genma think I was a _girl_, and why didn't he correct him?

He just chuckled as he put me down. "What? It's not _my_ fault you look like a girl," he said, patting me on the head, "You need a haircut, 'Haku-_chan_." I smacked his hand away and stuck my tongue out at him.

"Cute." I wanted to kick him _so_ hard after he said that.

I was still glaring at him as I gnawed on my sleeve when Natsumi showed up after Kakashi-nii had cleaned up.

"What's gotten into Kohaku-chan?"

Kakashi-nii gave her his eye-smile beneath that mask of his. "Maa, I might have let Genma's assumption that Kohaku was my imouto go uncorrected," he explained, "I thought it was pretty funny."

I punched him in the knee, as hard as I could. "Baka."

He just smiled down at me, and I could just see Natsumi stifling laughter out of the corner of my eye.

"Aww, Kohaku-chan's first word," Natsumi teased, "I should have brought a camera." I turned my glare to her. This was _not_ funny. She just smirked at me. "Not a lot of boys have hair as long as yours, you know."

_Ya don't say?_ I rolled my eyes before chewing on my sleeve again. As if I don't have enough shit going on…

"That's definitely not helping your image issues, 'Haku-_chan_." Kakashi-nii pointed out.

With an irritated huff, I walked over to the door, where Natsumi picked me up and immediately handed me to Kakashi-nii.

"C'mon, I want to get this done before 'Maru-chan realizes where I went."

I took the opportunity to smack Kakashi-nii on the forehead. "Baka." _Could've had a V8_.

Kakashi-nii just rolled his eyes. I went back to chewing on the end of my sleeve.

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><p>I've resigned myself to the knowledge I'm living in a fictional universe. Well, formerly fictional, now, I guess. The smart thing to do would probably be to avoid anyone important to the plot. That's unfortunately not an option, since my nii-san is made the protagonist's sensei in about a decade.<p>

You start to understand why I'm chewing on my sleeve here? I don't know if I should interfere or not. I hadn't finished reading the manga when I died, but it all ended well, right? So if I _did_ interfere, I could royally mess things up. But on the other hand, could I just sit there and _let_ all these things happen to these people? Silence is another form of consent, but did I have the right to try and play god?

On top of all that, I keep having these nightmares of _blood_ and _pain_ and _snakes_ and _blank white masks_…I think I can count the number of times I've slept through the night on both hands. Kakashi-nii's not much better, when he's not on missions. He thinks I don't notice when he bolts to the bathroom in the middle of the night to wash his hands over and over again.

Not everything is depressing, though. When Kakashi-nii goes on a mission, Natsumi-neechan usually shows up at least once to let me know she's checking up on me, and I'm pretty certain Kakashi-nii's got at least one of his ANBU team watching me all the time. I've learned the Konoha Shinobi Sign Language (it was surprisingly easy to learn), am learning how to read, and Natsumi-neechan's helping me get ready for the Academy by breaking my ass- *cough* I mean…training me. Blergh…yay, PT…

"_Chert grebanyy sukin syn, vsya moya grebanyy telo bolit kak mat..._"

"What was that, 'Haku-chan?" Her tone made it very clear that while she might not have heard what I said (I hoped so. Russian is pretty distinctive), she knew I was probably bitching.

"Nothing..."

She _hmm_ed in the very deceptive I-wish-I-was-taking-a-nap-right-now thing the Nara all can do. "Well, if it's _nothing_, then I doubt fifty more push-ups would hurt."

I didn't even bother groaning, that would just make it worse, and started my push-ups. _One-two-three, one. One-two-three, two…_

Natsumi-neechan looked at me blankly as I finished. "That was only 25, 'Haku-chan."

I glared at her as I blew a loose strand of hair out of my face. I'd decided to just leave my hair as it was and just pulled it back Itachi-style. I will admit, it's kind of funny to watch people struggle for a moment to find the right honorific, and no one who actually knows me is helping. Kakashi-nii's getting really good at finding ways to avoid using gender-specific pronouns. Wearing a mask like him in public makes it even funnier, because it hides my face, so it's harder to tell.

Natsumi-neechan just gave me The Look™ and I got down to do another fifty, counting out loud this time, so I could prove I'd done fifty. She gave me a _really_ blank look when I was done. I quirked an eyebrow and she just flicked me the standard hand sign for _dismiss_. I gave her a half-assed salute and missed her stare as I did one last set of pull-ups off a tree branch before heading home.

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><p>My first day at the Academy would've had me chewing on the end of my hoodie's sleeve again if it weren't for the mask I was wearing. I wasn't all that nervous about going to school, it was the dead man walking that I was sitting next to.<p>

"_What_ are you _doing_?"

_Transliterating the Song of the Lonely Mountain into the Cyrillic alphabet._ "To you? Writing gibberish." It was that or chew on my sleeve, seeing as I've been avoiding deciding what to do about the plot. Seeing the six-year-old versions of the future Team Gai on the first day of school _in my class_ brought that back up, and brought it back with a vengeance.

_Damn it, I thought I had seven more years…_

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><p><strong>Ta-da, Chapter Two.<strong>

**Also, can I just say how awesome all you people are? This is already my biggest story on here! :D**

**It's probably in part 'cause Naruto has a bigger fanbase than Warhammer, but still! You guys rock!**

**Questions? Comments? Bitches, Moans, Complaints? Leave a review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Addendum to Chapter One Disclaimer: Hachimitsu Hachiko-chan is the intellectual property of A .Himawari (Whose penname I had to add an unnecessary space to because FFNet is paranoid), and is used with A .Himawari's permission.**

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><p>Kakashi-nii took me to this place called Hachimitsu Treats, apparently their Honey Drops were really good. The counter was empty, the guy had gone upstairs to restock said Honey Drops, and the only person in the store was a girl around my age with long golden-brown hair sitting in a chair that looked like one of those old-people walkers reading a book. I was bored, and wanted to know what she was reading, so I looked over her shoulder.<p>

"Kohaku, I thought I told you it was rude to read over people's shoulders." I might have taken Kakashi-nii seriously if he didn't sound so amused. The girl looked up at me almost expectantly, though she did look a bit hesitant when she saw my face.

"Gomen," I said flatly before looking back at the book. It was a book on chakra, one I was surprised to recognize. "This is an academy standard textbook," I told my nii-san.

"That's interesting, you look a bit young to be having that," he replied. It took me a second before I remembered civilian kids didn't start at the Academy until they were about eight for some reason. The girl stared at my nii-san widely for a few seconds before she perked up. Kakashi-nii looked amused behind his mask.

She signed a 'Hello' in KSSL, and Kakashi-nii and I shared a glance. I moved over next to my nii-san, who signed 'Hi' back.

'My name is Hachimitsu Hachiko' she signed next. So she was related to the shop owners. Not really surprising, a lot of shop owners lived in their businesses.

'Hatake Kakashi' he signed back with a smile. 'This my imouto, Kohaku.' If looks could kill...

'I will gut you' I signed, forgetting that Hachimitsu-chan could probably understand it. This was the first time he'd outright _lied _and said I was his sister.

He completely ignored me, signing 'You look young to be signing. Where did you learn?' She blinked at me for a couple of seconds before her expression turned thoughtful, and she signed 'Hospital. I cannot talk. Mute.' and touched her neck, where her voice box would be.

'The book?' I signed, to which she signed back 'Doctor said I am chakra sensitive.' Kakashi-nii threw me a wry smile and I glared at him before he took the book and flipped through a couple of pages before handing it back, signing 'That should help'.

"Ah, may I help you?" A woman who looked kinda like an older version of Hachimitsu-chan had showed up behind the counter.

'Not imouto?' the girl signed as Kakashi-nii spoke with her mother - I assumed it was her mom, anyway.

I nodded. 'Otouto' I signed back.

She giggled silently. 'You make a pretty girl' she signed with the barest hint of a mischievous smile.

'Don't remind me' I signed as Kakashi-nii finished buying his candy. Normally, I would've just smiled and said "Thank you" because it tends to throw people off, but I was still a bit sore at Kakashi-nii. After we left the shop, I swiped the bag of candy from him.

"Hey, now, if you wanted some, you just had to ask, 'Haku-chan."

I punched him in the arm. "That's for calling me a girl, Baka," I said around a mouthful of candy. Lizard hadn't been lying, the Honey Drops were actually pretty good.

"Oh? So we're not perpetuating the rumor that you're my little sister?"

I leveled a very flat look at him like the one Natsumi-neechan had given him when she saw the entire shelf of _Icha Icha_ books he had in our apartment for the first time. He just gave me that freaking eye-smile of his.

"You know, you make it really difficult to be gender-vague when you're so good at acting like a girl, 'Haku-chan," he said before reaching out for the bag.

"Oh, no, you don't," I growled, moving it out of his way, "I was going to let you have some, but then you kept talking. The rest of this is for Weasel."

"Maa, I see how it is. I'm not sure if I should be more upset that your feeding my ANBU candy while they're on duty, or that you love Weasel more than me."

I choked on a Honey Drop as Kakashi-nii pulled out a familiar orange book like he hadn't said anything. _Asshole._

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><p>Shinji-sensei was grading the tests of those of us already done while the rest of the class finished it. "Kohaku-chan," he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "the question just asked for you to summarize the effects of the First Shinobi War on the Elemental Countries. I don't need the political commentary on how it caused the Second."<p>

I shrugged and kept writing in my notebook. Mutually Assured Destruction is _not_ a viable strategy when the world won't end for everyone. The Honorable Hashirama was a bit of an idiot. Spreading the bijuu like he had only increased tensions in the Hidden Villages.

"And while I appreciate that you stopped doodling chibi versions of the various kage dueling on all your papers, replacing them with chibi versions of S-ranked nukenin is not much better."

The looks I got were priceless, I almost lost it right there in the middle of class. Neji nearly whacked the kid next to him with his hair, his head whipped around that fast.

I gave him a small wave before turning back to my notebook. I was writing down everything I could remember about the major events of Naruto, which was...depressingly little. Four years of ignoring it had ended up with much of what I'd once known lost to the depths of my mind. The Uchiha Massacre was the next major event, though, I knew that much.

I wasn't going to do anything about it. What _could_ I do? The Uchiha were gearing up to start a _civil war_ for control of Konoha. The solution Konoha's leaders had come up with - while almost certainly influenced by a certain old hawk with abandonment issues - was considered to be the _best_ of their available options. I was an E-3 in my last life. Making those kinds of calls was above my pay grade.

It - and the rest of canon - was still on my mind that afternoon as I practiced throwing techniques. Kakashi-nii was off on a mission, and Natsumi-neechan had her own family to take care of. The kunai sliced through the air to _thud_ into the target just to the left of the empty center ring.

"What's wrong?" Weasel asked, his even, measured tone revealing nothing. He'd been promoted to captain not too long ago, so I didn't see him quite as often as I'd used to. It kinda sucked, he was an excellent sounding board for a few of my more..."eccentric" ideas. Like extendable/retractable blades strapped to the underside of your arm for assassinations. He was testing the prototypes for me.

I waved my hand dismissively, partially concealing the hand sign for _nothing_ before tossing another kunai to impact just above the first.

"Your aim is only this bad when you're upset," he countered, gesturing to the target, kunai randomly scattered across its surface. He had a point, however much I hated to admit it. I was just as surprised as the rest of my class when we started to practice the throwing techniques. It was like the tools just...went where I wanted them to. The only person in class who was better than me was Tenten, and I was catching up.

I took a deep breath. How much could I share before he'd get suspicious? Could I share _anything_? "I'm...worried." Weasel didn't say anything, just waited for me to finish my thought, my words chosen with care. "A firestorm is coming and...if I say anything...I could hurt my family, my precious people."

His next words were chosen with care, just as mine. "Sometimes...we must risk the things we value, in the pursuit of something of worth more."

"But is it worth losing your family?"

I could feel his eyes on the back of my head. "Is it worth losing _yours_?"

I couldn't answer. "I don't know..."

Two nights later, the Uchiha clan had been massacred, and I found a page in my notebook with suggestions in neat script on ways to improve the blades.

The village was on lock-down for three days. The whole place felt very _different_ without the Uchiha around, as if no one could really believe they were dead. There were four of them in our class, and they were just...gone.

Life moved on, however, and the village had to move along with it. It is one of our greatest strengths as humans, our ability to change to fit our circumstances, though sometimes, it's disconcerting to see just how quickly we can adapt. Walking through Konoha three years after the Uchiha Massacre, you might never have known there _was_ an Uchiha clan.

If you lived under a rock.

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><p>All too soon, the day arrived for the Academy graduation exam. There were a pair of new faces the day of. One very familiar orange-clad eleven-year-old who loudly proclaimed that he was "gonna pass this time for sure, -ttebayo!" I had to smile.<p>

"Excuse me?" I didn't even notice the second person enter the room. He was standing by the empty seat next to me, a (_fake_) smile on his face. "Is this seat taken?"

I shook my head with a smile of my own. For some reason, that (_false_) smile seemed familiar to me, though I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I'd never seen him before, I was sure of it. _Where have I seen that smile?_

I still hadn't figured out where I'd seen it by the time Shinji-sensei handed the written test. After that, we were tested on our taijutsu and throwing techniques before we all trooped back inside for the final test: ninjutsu. Kawarimi, Henge, and Bunshin are the three basic ninjutsu all Academy students need to be able to perform, except under extenuating circumstances, like Lee's. I performed them about as well as the average genin could be expected, and was given my hitai-ate.

"Congratulations," Shinji-sensei deadpanned, "Come back in a week so I can make you someone else's problem."

Kakashi-nii helped me out filling out and filing my ninja-registration stuff with the village and presented me with a graduation gift: a set of _legit_ throwing knives, a single balanced piece of steel about as long as my hand without a handle and sharpened on one end. The only place I'm pretty sure he would've found the idea for these would be my largely-Cyrillic-filled notebook. That page just happened to be one I didn't think was important enough to "encrypt".

_Wow, Nii-san. Snoop much? _I wolf-whistled. "These must've cost a lot."

"Compared to regular ninja tools? Yes. But not as much as you'd think." Kakashi-nii smiled at me. "Actually, Tatsuo-san told me that because of how easy they are to make - once he figured out how - and the size, they could've potentially been _cheaper_ to make and sell than standard ninja tools."

"Please tell me that means 'future discount'."

"Probably."

"Nii-san, you're the best," I told him, latching onto his waist for a hug he awkwardly returned. Eight years of raising me (with metric shit-tons of help from Natsumi-neechan) still hadn't made him very good with children.

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><p><strong>Yeah, this chapter felt kinda awkward...<strong>

**Ah, well...I was only really killing time 'til 'Haku-chan graduated the Academy. Next up: Meeting Team Six, and various shenanigans!**

**Reviews for the Book God (Who I really should find the name of at some point)! Let the Internet...Drrrooown in them!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I meant to have this out earlier, but then we went on an exercise, and then my Internet crapped out on me after I got back.**

**Also, I picked up a cold while in Lejeune that makes me sound like Gekk****ō Hayate when I speak...coughing included...It sucks.**

**See chapters one and three for disclaimer and addendum.**

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><p>I was the first one to arrive at the Academy, and was perfectly fine with waiting in the silent classroom with my book. I like it when things are quiet. I'm not a hundred percent sure anymore, but I'm pretty sure it was related to my job in my last life, because 'quiet' meant nothing was happening, and I didn't have to deal with stupid people. Or people in general.<p>

Not that I was able to enjoy my book in silence – or alone – for long. The door slid open and a certain over-enthusiastic ninjutsu-less 12-year-old walked in the room with a smile on his face almost as big as his eyebrows.

"Ah, Kohaku! It is good to see you this morning!"

I looked up from my positively _riveting_ tale of some fictional ninja's exploits from the Warring Clans era. It was still better than Twilight, though at this point I couldn't remember why. (Nii-san wouldn't let me read _Icha Icha._) "Huh? Oh, ohayou, Lee. Good to see you, too." Maybe he'd leave me alone to read this morning.

No such luck. "Aren't you excited? We have finally become ninjas! We are that much closer to our goals!"

_I just want to survive the next five or six years. _Outwardly, I made a show of blinking in confusion. "...I suppose I hadn't really thought about it."

Lee didn't seem to know how to respond to that, and after a few moments of staring at me with his mouth hanging open, sat down. Soon, the rest of the (graduating) class filtered in, and finally it was time to meet our teams, and our senseis.

Shinji-sensei cleared his throat and began to read off the teams. I put my book away in the off-white hip pouch I'd been given, listening for my name.

"Team 6 will be Hatake Kohaku, Hyūga Tadashi, and Ayame."

I looked around the class for my new teammates and got a small (_fake_) smile and wave, and a scowling glare. _Well…this looks like it'll be fun…_

Shinji-sensei rolled up the scroll and cleared his throat again after he finished calling out team assignments. "Now, your senseis will arrive to pick up their teams in a minute, so don't go anywhere." He looked over the room one more time before giving us all a small smirk. "Good luck."

Almost as if it was planned, the door slid open right as he said that. The ninja who walked in was a woman with long brown hair left loose, and twin fang-like tattoos in red on her cheeks. Her eyes were amber in color, much like mine, and she wore the standard jōnin uniform, though she wore her hitai-ate around her neck, almost like a collar. She grinned at the class, revealing larger-than-normal canines and barked out, "Team 6, follow me!"

We followed her onto the roof, where we sat cross-legged on the "ground" while she sat on the railing next to a golden-brown wolf-like dog that was probably big enough for us to ride.

"Right, my name is Inuzuka Nana, and this is my partner, Holo," she said, introducing herself and the wolf. I snickered quietly. For some reason, that name for that ninken was funny.

Inuzuka-san – Nana-sensei now, I guess – glared at me, though it was somewhat undermined by the start of a smirk. "Something funny, gaki?"

_Wait, sensei's name is 'seven'? _I grinned widely under my mask. "Your parents must've been really busy, huh, sensei?"

Nana-sensei snorted amusedly and the wolf at her feet chuckled. "Very funny, gaki," she replied, crossing her arms, "Why don't you go first, since you've apparently got a lot to say."

I cocked my head to the side and blinked questioningly.

She sighed. "Introduce yourself," she explained, "Tell us what you like and what you hate, your hobbies, dreams for the future. Shit like that."

I _hmm_ed thoughtfully, before grinning. "Well…my name is Hatake Kohaku. Things I like and things I hate…"

_Books and family; cowards, compulsive liars and hypocrites._

"...I don't really feel like telling you that. Dreams for the future…"

_Don't die. So far, so good._

"…never really thought about it. As for my hobbies…"

_Reading, writing, and trolling people._

"…I have lots of hobbies."

Nana-sensei and her partner weren't even trying to not laugh, Ayame was giving me this thoughtful look I'd seen Natsumi-neechan get once or twice, and the Hyūga had a confused smile on his face.

"That certainly sounds like something Kakashi would say," Nana-sensei admitted with a chuckle, "Alright, girl, your turn."

Ayame stared at me inscrutably for another moment before facing sensei.

She wore a red sleeveless shirt with a mesh armor one underneath, and dark blue pants, the loose ends of the legs secured by white wraps tucked into open-toed blue sandals, like the rest of us. Her weapons holster was strapped to her right thigh, and she'd attached her hitai-ate to a forest green sash tied around her waist, the ends of which reached the back of her knees. Her hair was dark red, so dark it was almost black, and held back in a high ponytail that fell to the bottom of her shoulder blades. Her eyes were Uchiha-black, something I'd never noticed before.

"My name is Ayame," she said with a smile, "I like cloud-watching and I'm not just sucking up when I say I like dogs." The wolf chuckled at that and Nana-sensei grinned.

"I don't really like sweet things or liars." The look Ayame threw me made it obvious I was also included on that list of things she didn't like. "My hobbies include training and volunteering at the vet, and my dream…"

She trailed off in embarrassment, laughing nervously before mumbling, "My dream is to have a family of my own one day."

Everyone was silent for a moment before Nana-sensei's partner spoke up, surprising all three of us.

"To find such sentiment in one so young," she smiled, or at least gave us as close of a smile as a wolf can, "It is quite a rare and wonderful thing."

"Ignore Holo, she likes to pretend she's some sort of wise sage," Nana-sensei said in teasing dismissiveness, "Your turn, gangly. Go."

Our third member, and obviously the tallest of the genin, jumped a little before giving us all another smile.

He wore a plain grey long-sleeved shirt, with his weapons holster secured around his right thigh. His black hair was cut short and held back by the standard headband, and he had the familiar white eyes of the Hyūga clan.

"I am called Hyūga Tadashi. My likes and dislikes aren't really all that important, though I enjoy gardening, and don't appreciate people who waste time by purposefully being late…"

_He must've met Nii-san at some point. _The thought flashed through my head, leaving me confused. How could he have met Kakashi-nii already? Tadashi is my age…physically, at least.

It took me a moment to realize everyone was looking at me. "Sorry, I spaced out for a minute, there. Say that last again?"

Nana-sensei smirked. "I said meet at Training Ground Eight for a final test. You have fifteen minutes." With that, she shunshined away. Holo got up and stretched.

"Good luck," she said, before she shunshined away as well. I didn't know wolves could do that. Tadashi had vanished as well, and Ayame left not too long after.

I killed about half an hour at Hachimitsu Treats before making my way to Training Ground Eight to find my new team.

"You're late, Kohaku." I might've taken Nana-sensei's reprimand seriously if she hadn't been grinning so smugly at Holo, who just rolled her eyes. I didn't know wolves could do that, either.

"Maa, sorry, sensei," I apologized, with an 'embarrassed' smile under my mask, "I was on my way here, but I got lost on the road of life."

The way Tadashi's eye twitched definitely meant that he'd been on the receiving end of Nii-san's excuses before. Ayame was giving me that flat, thoughtful look again.

"Is something wrong with my face?"

Her blank look twisted into a scowl. "I bet there is, the way you hide behind that mask."

"Wouldn't _you_ like to know…"

"So you're admitting there _is_ something wrong with your face?"

Engaged as we were, we missed the sad smile Nana-sensei wore as she reached down to pet Holo, as if to reassure herself her partner was still there.

"Alright, pups, settle down," said wolf called out, "We have things we need to do today."

Ayame threw one last glare at me before bowing in their direction. "Gomenasai, Holo-sama," she apologized, "We didn't mean to be disruptive." The look she was giving me out of the corner of her eye made it clear I was supposed to apologize, too. We had a staring contest for a couple of seconds before I decided it wasn't worth it.

"Mendokusai…" I sighed, before turning towards sensei and her partner, "Gomen."

Ayame bolted upright and took a deep breath like she was about to blast me, but she just bit her tongue – literally – and crossed her arms.

"You know, you could be more polite," she stated flatly.

"I could be," I cheerfully agreed.

_Bite me_ is what I wanted to say, but I didn't want to start another fight. We _were_ supposed to be a team, after all. We needed to work together to succeed.

"Before we get sidetracked again," Nana-sensei snickered, "The intent behind putting the three of you together under me is primarily because you each have abilities that make for good trackers. Can you think of what those are?"

Tadashi responded instantly. "I have an eidetic memory, and the Byakugan." His face was blank and his tone flat, the perfect little soldier.

"Obviously," I drawled as I shoved my hands into the pockets of my hoodie, earning me another glare from Ayame. I thought for a moment before answering Nana-sensei's question myself, "I have a pretty good nose. Nowhere near as good as an Inuzuka's, but still better than most. Oh, and I'm _technically_ chakra-sensitive, but that doesn't really count, because I'm a shit sensor."

Nana-sensei just nodded knowingly, while Ayame blinked. "How does that even _work_?"

I shrugged noncommittally, and she rolled her eyes.

"I'm chakra-sensitive as well," she informed us, "Unlike Hatake, though, I'm pretty sure I can be a decent sensor with training. My eyes are also pretty sharp, for someone outside the Hyūga or Uchiha clans."

It sounded almost like she'd hesitated for half a second over saying 'Uchiha', but I just brushed it off as hearing her wrong. I have a dog's nose, not a dog's hearing.

Nana-sensei just nodded again, stuffing her hands in her pockets. The way she was standing and looking at us made a small part of me in the back of my mind want to stand at parade rest. "Well, you all sound fairly confident in yourselves," she responded with a small smirk, "You all seem pretty mature for your age, so I'll be honest with you. I'm supposed to test the three of you, try to pit you against each other to see if you'll put the mission and the team first, or yourself."

_Ha, knew it._

"But I don't think that'll be necessary. You two-" she gestured at me and Ayame "-have some sort of tension I don't want to get involved in right now, but at least you were willing to put it on hold to find out what I wanted. And you-" she stared at Tadashi here for a moment before shrugging "-you're quieter than these two, so I don't foresee you causing a lot of problems." She grinned as she shifted her weight onto her left foot and placed her fisted left hand against her hip, though it seemed a little forced. "You're already doing better than my genin team did," she chuckled.

She shared a look with her partner before dismissing us. "Be back here tomorrow at eight."

I gave her a half-hearted salute before heading back to the apartment I shared with Nii-san, who was already back, and reading on the couch. We both sat in silence reading before he finally spoke up.

"So, who's your sensei?"

"Inuzuka Nana."

"Ah." Nii-san actually looked pleased to hear that. "Well, she had better luck than I did."

"…Your team is going to fail your test tomorrow, isn't it?"

"Without a doubt."

"Want me to remind you they're still waiting in an hour so they can meet you?"

"If you would be so kind, otouto."

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><p>Inuzuka Nana waited until all three of her genin were out of sight and hearing before sighing heavily and running her hands through her hair. "I can't do it. What was I thinking?"<p>

"You were reasonably certain the both of us could handle three children," her long-time partner replied.

"But those three don't act like kids," Nana grimaced, "They're…too _aware_. All of them."

Holo _hmm_ed thoughtfully. "Yes, I suppose. But it's not the orphans you are worried about, is it?"

The Inuzuka jōnin grimaced again. "When I found out I'd been given _him_, I didn't expect…"

Holo snorted. "Stop. He was _exactly_ what you expected him to be, and now you are second-guessing everyone's intentions."

Nana crossed her arms uncomfortably and scraped her tongue against her teeth as if that would get rid of the back ink that stained it. She was silent for a very long moment before sighing. "Well, come on. Panther-sama's waiting for our report."

Neither of them noticed the small figure in grey that slipped from behind a tree to report to his own master.

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><p><strong>God damn it, my characters ran off on me with the story again. Don't look so fucking smug, you androgynous little shit!<strong>

**So, anyway, please review. I like it when you let me know what you think. And I'm always open to ideas.**

**Out.**


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